Posted on : 25-07-2010 | By : dianne | In : Computer Dating
My son just turned 15 and has liked this girl since he was 14. All he want to do is be with her and it has began to affect his grades, we have taken priviledges and forbid him to see her yet it is a constant battle with him–asking to go somewhere with her–wanting to be on the phone with her–on the computer with her–He doesn’t want to have anything to do with anything else.
Maturity should play a big part in your decision. 15 for some, 16 for others. If the young man is not mature,or responsible, (not keeping his grades up, focusing TOTALLY on the young lady,) then he probably isn’t ready. Some times teens become totally in love with the idea of being in love. You need to sit him down, and give him real boundaries. Let him know dating is a privilege, and with it go responsibilities.Being totally obsessed at his age is not healthy. Are you sure something else isn’t in play here? Could he already be sexually active? I think a real heart to heart is in order here. But, you have to remain calm and try not to be judgmental. If you are when he gives you an honest answer, he may with draw even more.
Keep in mind, especially if you have had a close relationship with him in the past, a certain amount of friction between you is normal. Just let him know that you love him, but he does have to live up to certain expectations. Let him know when he acts more responsible, that more freedom is given.Most of all, remember you are the parent. It is not your job to always be his buddy.
When my 24 year old son was your son’s age, I had a heart to heart with him. I told him dating should be fun, but that he should be on his guard. I asked him to treat girls with respect, because some day he would find one he might want to marry. I asked him to think of it this way. It would not do for him to be responsible for damaging the reputation of his children’s mother! I also explained that some girls may pressure him to have sex outside of marriage.But that he should have more respect for himself. A girl worth having is one who will wait. HE was taught to protect girls, even if he had to protect them from themselves.
He learned from me that hormones popping and going unchecked, have ruined more that 1 young life.
Some young men think if a girl is willing, then sex is OK. They don’t realize that pregnancy is not the only danger. A girl may tell a young man that she wants sex, but after wards, may regret it. Many a young guy has been accused and convicted of rape, when the girl was the aggressor, but felt remorse after! (Sometimes she is afraid of being pregnant, and would rather say she was raped, so she will not have to tell her parents she willingly had sex.
After your heart to heart, decide together if he is ready. BUT , Make a verbal contract as to your expectations. Set clear boundries you can BOTH live with. If he breaks the contract, let him know that means he was not really ready to handle the dating scene yet. MAke it clear it is his choice.
well i have a son
and im not going to let him date tell he is 18.. hmmm
but thats just me
I’m glad you’re not my mom. You gonna do this until he’s 18?
Normal for a boy his age! Let him date her!
Well since it had affected his grades because of his girl then it’s obvious he can’t full fill his duty to manage time for his studies and his affection for the girl. Maybe when he can show he’s mature enough to balance out and not let his relationship affect his grades.
Just let him be with her. The more you resist, the more he will be persistent and only focus on her. Tell him that you’ll let him be with her but that he needs to work on his grades as well. But please, don’t stop love. That’s always a terrible thing and never leads to anything good. As long as he actually care for her, don’t stop him.
let him be with her, but have them do study dates and homework hang outs. taking away it all will just want to make him see her more.
well I think the right age to allow a boy to date is 12 because most twelve year olds date anyways and tell him he cannot date her unless he picks his grades up that way it is bargaining and it goes both ways. also do not FORBID him from seeing her unless hes being punished because all that will do is piss him off =)
I’d say 16. But don’t worry. It’s just hormones raging.
i say let him. my son is like that
he hasnt had a gf yet but is in love with this girl.
i remember wee i was young and i like this boy but my father
didnt let me talk to him, And then throught my teenage years
we had a horible relationship
Why are you preventing him _ Let him date . he will end up resenting you or he will date her behind your back_ his old enough to date & it might just be a phase , it might not even last that long so . Just let him date :
tell him you’ll let him date her if he gets higher then a 3.0
Get him a box of condoms.
I personally think that is normal behavior, as long as you’ve taught him what you know, what else can you do really? I’m sure you’ve told him by now as long as his grades stay up he can be with her, sadly, that doesn’t always work but you can only do your best as a parent. You’re doing the right thing. Just make sure to let him know first, what he’s getting into, second that you love him and want the best for him and that’s why, third, he can see his girlfriend when his grades improve.
My fiance, who is from another country mind you, was married at the age of 15, built a two-story house at the age of 16 and is currently 23 and a widow (may God have mercy on her)…
I personally think it’s pretty young to be married, but he is very mature.. and your son is only dating lol
The more you push him away from her, the more he is gonna get closer to her and hate you more. If he is that thinking of her, then you basically need to lay off a little. And then when he doesn’t turn in something or there is a problem with this one subject, then backfire and say. "well unless you can get your grades up to a higher grade or do extra credit you can’t go to here with her or you can’t talk to her." so give him some freedom but then make him realize he needs to do school too, or else. (And FYI, were I live at, Its considered okay for boys to start dating at 13.)
at the begin of h.s. maybe 8th grade. tell him that his school work comes first dont prevent him from seeing her. itllonly make it worse but take other things away first
Well, your problem is not unusual.
Your problem is that at 15, it would probably be a bad idea for your son to get into a serious relationship. Because at that age, it is likely that your son doesn’t have the maturity to handle a serious relationship. It is likely that he will end up neglecting his grades, his friends, and his other activities. And if he does neglect them, he will hurt his future. On the other hand, he is 15. He should be dating. It would be almost impossible, very weird, and possibly damaging to stop him from dating. What you need to do is figure out how to set boundaries so that he can see this girl and start learning how to have a relationship without spending all of his time and energy on her and getting into something he can’t handle.
Forbidding your son from dating and removing privileges is absolutely not going to work. In fact, it will probably backfire. Your son will see you as an obstacle, which will damage your relationship with him, and he will spend all of his energy on figuring out how to keep seeing this girl (i.e., he will still neglect his grades). You will end up trapping yourself–what will you do when you have removed all of his privileges and you find that he is still seeing her? And he will still see her.
A 15-year-old is not a child. I do understand your concerns, but here’s a reality check: it is weird to treat your 15-year-old like a character from a fairytale and keep him locked in his tower. It is almost creepy to be removing privileges from a 15-year-old who wants to simply see some girl. Your son is turning into an adult and if you don’t let him start behaving like one (with appropriate boundaries, of course, so he learns to make the right decisions), then you will have failed in your job as a parent, because you will produce a very weird, immature adult.
What I would do in your position is recognize that you are not getting anywhere right now. Let your son see this girl, but set reasonable boundaries. And negotiate. Use his liking for this girl to encourage him to study. I would tell him something like this: "Tom, we’ve seen that you really seem to like this girl. We have been worried about this because we’re concerned that you are not yet mature enough to handle dating and all your other responsibilities, like grades and your other friends. But we are willing to give you a chance. Let’s start off slow here. You are going to need to be at home studying at least four nights a week and you’ll have a curfew of 10 pm. When you are studying, you need to study and not be on the phone/computer with her. You need to have company when you see her–no sneaking off to your room. If we see that you can handle this freedom, we’ll renegotiate. But if you can’t, we’ll tighten up."
If he has an incentive, he will regulate himself. Don’t ever take away all of his incentives. Once you do that, he has nothing to lose and will simply devote himself to defying you and seeing this girl. Also, rather than simply set rules, start explaining to him (if you have not already) that there is a reason he needs to get good grades. If he wants to be treated less like a child, then he is going to have to give up some of the privileges of being a child. This will help stop him from spending all of his time and energy on this girl. For example, if you currently pay for his clothes or give him money, tell him that he needs to start earning his own spending money. Make him get a part-time job. Give him more responsibilities at home.
At every step of the way, explain to him that you are not making rules and making him do things for the sake of making rules. What you are doing is helping him become a responsible adult by giving him the amount of responsibility he can handle.
Then set limits AND rewards. If he can prove the day’s homework is done, 15 minutes on the phone or computer. If he can prove he has pulled his grades up, you take them both on a in a family activity. At this age, and with their behavior, neither of them are ready to be off on their own (raging hormone alert). If you are not closely monitoring their computer contact, you may find it leads to some really bad situations. No matter how sweet and dependable your teen has been in the past, in the grip of the hormonal flood, he doesn’t have the ability to judge the consequences of actions that can take place in a heartbeat.
It is the kiss of death to try to forbid contact…you are just setting up forbidden fruit. And you can’t enforce this as they will see each other at school anyway. The best thing to do is to allow them to be together with one or both of his parents present. That way, you can model your expectations for behavior. How is he to talk to a girl he likes, how much PDA (public display of affection) is appropriate, and how well is she behaving around his family. At this age, overexposure is the key to burn out.
And you can put off the day when he expects to go on a one-on-one date by telling him he must earn the money to date. He must earn the time it takes you to transport them (not old enough to drive right?). And he must prove he has the maturity by keeping up with the rest of his life in appropriate ways.
No matter how he struggles against your restraint, the limits you set give him the freedom to experience the new feelings and desires he is trying to come to terms with, without the dire consequences that can come with mistakes. Don’t weaken now! Keep up the good fight!
…is the day after he’s figured out women. So at one level, NO ONE is ready to date.
All humor aside, an ‘appropriate’ age is when one is mature enough to maintain perspective about the other commitments and issues of life, especially the larger ones like moral and ethical convictions. There is no magic number, as every young man matures differently.
In your son’s case, the cows have already left the barn and you’re beginning to see that your son may not yet be mature enough to integrate a GF into his life properly.
Hormones, infatuation, lust and sexual attraction are like that – they cloud the judgment in otherwise sober, balanced, intelligent men and completely obliterate the reasoning of teenagers. So the question is what to do now?
I might suggest that the ‘about face’ you’re seeing can be addressed, it’s not too late, there’s still much to be done as parents.
Talk to him about the big picture – things I’m sure he already knows. That maturity means keeping commitments. That grades and honoring his word and preparing for the future are significant indicators of a boy turning into a young man – and that the absence of those things indicates otherwise. That there is far greater value in honoring a young woman’s purity than following the culture and trying to "get a piece" before you’re prepared to live with the consequences.
Chances are the first conversations won’t go well.
But if you remain consistent, objective, and continue to demonstrate consistently that you care about him, you can break through.
You WILL need to exercise parental authority and be consistent – that there are consequences for his disobedience, that privileges are not rights, that he is still dependent upon your care and provision.
But over and under and above all of these interactions, if you can clearly communicate to him that all of this is rooted in your love, care and desire for his best, you can turn him around.
Why do I say that? Because I’ve had these conversations with my sons, and one of my best friends just went through this battle with his 17 year old. Be encouraged, you can win him over.
Hope that helps some. Best to you.
don’t restrict him from seeing her. That will only make it worse. He should be allowed to invite her over for dinner at your house, or go on group dates to well-chaperoned affairs or the movies. You will drive them and pick them up afterwards, or trade off with the girl’s parents.
Much better now when YOU are able to do the transportation rather than later when you have no idea what is going on!
Talk to the girl’s parents and establish some mutual guidelines both families are comfortable with. Your son may be invited over to their house and should be able to accept.
Do not take away privileges, please. You will only cause resentment. That punishment is for direct infraction of known rules. But you CAN reward for good grades, jobs kept up around the house, and the evidences of the sort of character you wish him to develop. That will help all of you a lot more.
He is old enough to talk to about your real concerns regarding his future. No lecture, just something to let him know you are on HIS team and want the best for him. If he can see himself as a functioning member of your family and involved to some extent in the decision-making process, you will have far more influence on his willingness to obey than otherwise.
Once he can afford a date, he should be able to take her out. So, if he wants to take her out he can maintain his grades so he can get and keep a part-time job so he can take her out. Or he can pack a picnic and take her on inexpensive dates –when it gets warmer outside.
You can also negotiate things with him so he can maintain his grades and you can invite her over for dinner and a rented movie in your home. Make her welcome. Let him know that the concern isn’t her, but him letting go of other things in his life. There’s nothing wrong with telling him he can’t be on the phone or computer until his homework is done. But I’d try to avoid making it sound like it’s about her. It’s about him and responsibility.
Show him that you’re willing to work with him as long he’s showing you that dating isn’t getting in the way of other things in life. He should be more willing to make an effort if he thinks he can get the payoff of getting to see her without feeling hassled by you.
I’d also suggest not making him feel like he has to be absolutely perfect in order to see her. He’s a teenager. He’s going to mess up once in a while. What you want is a positive effort and some things to improve. Cut him some slack. Let him date. But make sure he understands your concerns.
I hope this helps.
Cheers!
Cyndy